All That I Hoped Against/ The Break-up

Yesterday, the girl broke up with her boy.

It was a sorrowful affair. The night before, the girl called the boy's dearest friend out of concern that the boy wouldn't tell anyone and would hole himself up in his bedroom with no one to help him through his hurt. Early in the morning, the friend called the boy to give him fair warning. When the girl arrived at school, the boy met her half way to class and asked, "Are you going to break up with me today?" The girl answered, "Yes." They walked to a semi-secluded area and proceeded with a long and tearful discourse. Many sad things were said; the boy projected his hurt onto the situation, viewing it through the lens of all his fears and insecurities. He said many hurtful things, but the girl was prepared and refused to let them into her heart. She struggled against the guilt that assailed her and was more silent than she should have been, probably. Finally, the boy held the girl and kissed his fingers and touched them to her face. Then he made her say the words, "Mattison I am going to break up with you." and gently pushed her from his lap. She said, "I love you" and walked away, beginning to sob. A kindly young man stopped her to make sure she was alright. She assured him that she could make it to her car and would not drive anywhere until she was composed. A moment later, the boy caught up with her and took her hand. He walked her most of the way to the car before realizing that he shouldn't hold her hand anymore. They talked a little bit about what it was going to be like now. When they reached her car, he lightly kissed her and she drove away.

All That I Hoped Against : Prologue

Once upon a time, a fairy blew her dust in the face of a girl and the girl fell in love a beautiful boy. The boy had a heart of kindness and a uniquely golden soul. The girl watched him, her admiration growing daily. After a time, the boy loved her back. They started a friendship abounding in affection and play. Every day they saw each other was new joy; each night they said goodbye found them both in tears. Very soon they had committed their hearts to each other and, not long after that, their lives. Many promises were made; many quiet warnings from wisdoms learned long ago nudged at the edges of the girl's mind, but she brushed them aside. So swept up was she in the glory of first love and the wonder of the boy that she allowed many things that were once important to her to fall by the wayside. Time passed and the romance grew. The boy and girl soared through the air in a colorful hot air balloon. They rested in the shade of trees and watched the clouds. They kissed each other endlessly. The girl filled a book with adorations of the boy. The boy never stopped praising the girl in her beauty. They formed the perfect plan; marry immediately and run away. A long life of blissful togetherness and, more presently, Europe stretched before them. Early on the boy hesitated and found many reasons to doubt the plan. He shoved these aside, however, determined to make the girl happy and never spoke of them to her. Soon, he was just as enthused about the plan as she. They were racing along toward a life neither of them had ever imagined for themselves but could not wait to start living. They were untouchable; wrapped in each other and laughing at the world as it passed slowly on...
And then, as life generally goes, the girl woke one day with a strange sense of deja vu. She felt oddly like she had felt nearly three years before. She shook it off. But the next morning it was still with her. Over some months she grew to feel strongly like her former self. This very much interrupted her new-er (though by now, not so new) life, being as her former self felt that many things her new-er self was disregarding were, in fact, NOT to be disregarded. And she began to see again. She saw the faults of her beloved boy; faults that she had spent recent years ignoring and smoothing over. She saw her old dreams in all their splendour. She saw reason and wisdom. She saw the folly of path she was hurrying down. She saw herself. And everything changed.
The boy did not come to a similar self-renewal. He remained an advocate of the new plan and continued to ignore the girl's faults and problems. He was crushed when she confessed to him her new (in other words, old) feelings. He saw the life he planned fall to ruins around him and was deeply wounded by her betrayal of trust and failure to fulfill her promises. He felt stupid for trusting her, for baring his soul to her; and especially for overriding his good judgment in order to secure her happiness. He felt great sadness and longing for the girl he used to know and thought he understood. He couldn't see how she could change like that. He didn't know if he could stay with her like this, but he had always sworn to himself that he would never be without her. He didn't know what to do.
The girl was confused. On the one hand, she loved the boy with every fiber of her being. She thought he was the most precious and excellent person in the world. She believed that the best parts of God were inside of this boy. She never wanted to be without him in her life. The thought of not holding his hand, not breathing his smell, not hearing him say "Silly 'ol bear" any time he did something silly, not knowing what he was doing every day was devastating to her. But on the other hand, with her vision clear she could see that there were some discordant, even opposing, differences of worldview and personality between them. When thinking clearly, she was fairly certain that the healthy and right thing to do was to break it off and live her own life, cherishing quietly the hope that they could one day come back together and have the life they imagined, but satisfied if it wasn't to be. But how could she leave him who she loved so dearly and hated to hurt above all other things in the world? She didn't know what to do.

To be Continued.

5 Reasons for Fall In Love With John Krasinski

1. See "Brief Interviews With Hideous Men" (particularly his final scene)

2. See "The Office" season 2 episode 20 "Drug Testing" and watch his face.

3. Played and sang Billy Joel "Just the Way You Are" in "Brief Interviews..."

4.Quote: "A good part is a good part and I think I've learned that from everyone I've been a fan of, from Jimmy Stewart..."

5. Overall "Jimmy-esque"

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I need a holiday...

"There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood leads to fortune; omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea we are now afloat and must take the current when it serves or lose our ventures."

I should very much like to avoid shallows and miseries. I do feel the swell of the tide around my ankles and I fear that if I do not begin to wade out I will indeed be bound to the shore and spend all my days straining to see what is beyond the curve of the horizon. I want to BE beyond that curve; to touch and smell whatever is there. The time is almost come when I know that I am to cut the ties that hold me here and set out upon the ventures I have always talked of. Just a few short weeks...

Ode To The Mean Reds / Ginny Victorious

Dear Mean Reds,
I hate your stinking guts. Last night you had a hold on me; today I am rid of you. You are potent; a tiny dose of you works wondrous feats of havoc on a heart. I am over you. Consider this the end of our relationship. Yes, I am breaking it off with you. My new affair involves Someone full of life and grace and deep true love; Someone ever so much more moving than you. You will find Him a formidable opponent. Indeed, I have great hope that when next you peak your ugly head around my corner, I will hide behind Him and He will banish you. Farewell, my old companion. Best wishes and may you find yourself obliterated from the face of this earth, never to torture another soul.
Most Sincerely,
AvaGinevera

May it be. And soon.

John Darling was probably not a lucky one in the sense that when he closed his eyes tight and the pool of pale colors he saw there took shape he probably did not see the Neverland. He did however surpass the good fortune of even the lucky ones - he really went. He walked the shores and slept in the little home underground. He played the mermaids' bubble game and there he became my idol. John introduced a new way of hitting bubbles that the mermaids adopted for themselves. "This is the one mark that John has left on the Neverland." Though I find him in no way and exceptional character (neither clever nor outstandingly brave nor endearingly pathetic), the Neverland remembers him. He was there and he left something of himself behind.

Dear friend, please do not misunderstand me. I know that I matter; I know that my life has meaning and purpose and no matter what I do with it, great or small, my soul and my existence is significant simply because I am. But.

But. I want to leave a mark on this land. I cannot go to the Neverland; Peter did not come for me nor will he. But I am here and I want this place, this world, this life to remember me. Someday I will not be here and I am mostly at peace with the inevitable "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust" concept. But even though John is no longer in the Neverland and it is safe to guess that none there remember his name, the mermaids almost certainly still bounce their bubbles on their heads when they play their game. In that same way, I have a driving need to leave something, some mark, some fingerprint, some remnant of myself, of what I did while I was here.

I need a cause. I need a task. I need something fill endless notebooks with and stay awake for days until I collapse working on. There are worlds of unturned rocks, undiscovered magic, unspoken epiphanies for me. Where they are, what they are... I just know they are. I have to find it; my mark. What ever it may be.

She makes me uncomfortable.

There is no smile in Judy Garland's eyes. Ever. She twirls and sings and her mouth makes the loveliest smile. But never ever does it touch her eyes. They are cold. Did you ever hear of anything so strange as cold brown eyes? She is a legend, an icon. Everything she does is perfect. But there is no joy in it. The whole world at her feet, but no joy. How dreadful!