The Break-Up : Wallowing

As a strong advocate for wallowing, it has disturbed me that thus far I've done very little. Being a cut and run, pretend it's not happening kind of girl, I have filled my days since the break-up and banished most of the sadder notions to the far reaches of my mind. However, now that everything is a bit more settled and the boy is no longer trying to change my mind and providing situations where I get to fight against him and subsequently trade my grieving for anger, it is time just about time. To Wallow: to indulge in an unrestrained way, to roll about in mud or water. I am going to draw a bath and roll about in my indulgent tears in an unrestrained way until I feel I have grieved appropriately.
As much hope as I have, as much as I enjoy the freedom, as much as I appreciate being able to read philosophy and not have to consider how I would try to explain it to the boy if I could even bring myself to try to share it with him, this is a sad sad business. The last thirty hours have been exceptionally emotional. It hits me in waves when something triggers an unexamined knowledge that I've shoved away; a picture will come of Matty curled up in bed late at night crying, a realization that someday I will have a wedding and I won't be marrying him, a strong memory of his smell will fill me, or I'll use a saying that I stole from him. I hate thinking about all the wonderful things I am going to do and not share with him. I miss him. It is still the right thing to do, but I miss him so very much.
Seeing him is mostly ok now, until the end. Leaving him is very awkward and very very hard. I want him to hold me, I want to kiss him, I want to assure him that I love him, make him laugh. I want him to be happy when he walks away from me. But there is no way that can be. We have always been terrible at saying goodbye, even for the shortest of intervals. Now it is pure agony. I didn't fully value how much I love his neck; I fit perfectly under his chin and his neck is so smooth but manly and it smells so wonderfully Matty-like. It makes me cry almost every time he hugs me. I don't like this. I don't like it one bit.
So leave me to my wallowing and send me your most sympathetic thought.