Unhappy Hello to my old Companion

Depression is like anesthesia that starts in one's extremities (fingertips, toes, ends of one's hair) and creeps so gently and slowly up one's veins, ever working its way nearer and nearer to one's heart. That creep is familiar to me and I become aware of it before it reaches my first knuckles, sometimes before it even leaves my finger nails. There is no stopping it; just the thought, "Hello Old Friend, how I loathe you." It makes my bones heavy. It urges me softly to sit still, to put my book down, not to answer my phone, not to move, not to think, just to sit perfectly still and do nothing. Even now, I force my fingers to move though they creak in protest. They are so weighty.
They say (whomever they may be) that Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Not that I had hope, really. But when a person such as myself builds up a fantasy and then real life feeds it with tiny tidbits, a person such as myself is unable to resist a small semblance hope. I never really had a chance. An interesting manchild paid me the slightest bit of attention and my made up world reeled. He is too much more muchier than I am. He has too many other options. He is more lively than a girl like me could ever be. I give up before I begin.

I feel it in the earth, I smell it in the air.

The whole world is different. I noticed it first a week and a half ago when a family who is usually striving and stressful became peaceful and emitted a spirit of harmony when plucked out of their daily surroundings and transplanted in the beauty of Santa Barbara. And then I looked around me and saw gentility, strength, passion, excellence, all the traits of God demonstrated in people. The world began to glow that gorgeous gold just like it does at my favorite time of day. I felt Love. And then I realized - it's me. I am glowing, I am different. I trace it back just a few weeks to the day I spent pouring through old photos looking for one of my Mama to take away with me. That day I remembered my child self; "little-I" as E.E. Cummings would put it. I remember that little girl and I fell in love with her. And then I remembered that she is me and in that moment I learned to Love me. "Love thy neighbor as thyself." I know this. But if it is really true then, until I know how to love myself, how can I love my neighbor? I have fallen in love with my own truest self and since that moment I have been loving. Oh the glory of Love! How many songs are devoted to it? What a life, to live in Love. Leave Romance out. Perhaps Love really is all you need. "If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now."

Echo the Sounds of Silence

My pen is silent. There is little more tantalizing than the length of a blank page. I long to fill it, ache really. A pen perches comfortably in my right hand, its tip rests on the smooth paper; yet I cannot write. Full heart and inspired mind ought to flow easily out through ready fingers and yet the words will not form. So many thoughts, so many fanciful imaginings. Perhaps I should keep them to myself and the depths of me know it. But that cannot be. I have to get it out! The satisfaction of a full page drives me to grab hold of at least one thought, just one. There is a song that says, "If I get it all down on paper its not longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to." I am going to pin down one thought today. I send up a prayer and go to it.

Faithful One,

I depend on you. This is a hard day. Please be near me. Though my heart is in shambles and I feele like dying, teach me to say, "It is well with my soul."In your name and with your permission and power I banish self-hatred, that unloving spirit, and declare that it is not welcome near me. I banish dread and send it to fellowship with self-hatred instead of with me. I will not play cards with devils today. I will call on you all this day, again and again. For you, O Lord, are a Shield about me, my Glory, the Lifter of my head. I love you, I honor You. Be not far from me, O God. I will not leave You. "All through the storm, your love is the anchor. My hope is you alone."
Yours, Acceptance With Joy

The Break-Up : Wallowing

As a strong advocate for wallowing, it has disturbed me that thus far I've done very little. Being a cut and run, pretend it's not happening kind of girl, I have filled my days since the break-up and banished most of the sadder notions to the far reaches of my mind. However, now that everything is a bit more settled and the boy is no longer trying to change my mind and providing situations where I get to fight against him and subsequently trade my grieving for anger, it is time just about time. To Wallow: to indulge in an unrestrained way, to roll about in mud or water. I am going to draw a bath and roll about in my indulgent tears in an unrestrained way until I feel I have grieved appropriately.
As much hope as I have, as much as I enjoy the freedom, as much as I appreciate being able to read philosophy and not have to consider how I would try to explain it to the boy if I could even bring myself to try to share it with him, this is a sad sad business. The last thirty hours have been exceptionally emotional. It hits me in waves when something triggers an unexamined knowledge that I've shoved away; a picture will come of Matty curled up in bed late at night crying, a realization that someday I will have a wedding and I won't be marrying him, a strong memory of his smell will fill me, or I'll use a saying that I stole from him. I hate thinking about all the wonderful things I am going to do and not share with him. I miss him. It is still the right thing to do, but I miss him so very much.
Seeing him is mostly ok now, until the end. Leaving him is very awkward and very very hard. I want him to hold me, I want to kiss him, I want to assure him that I love him, make him laugh. I want him to be happy when he walks away from me. But there is no way that can be. We have always been terrible at saying goodbye, even for the shortest of intervals. Now it is pure agony. I didn't fully value how much I love his neck; I fit perfectly under his chin and his neck is so smooth but manly and it smells so wonderfully Matty-like. It makes me cry almost every time he hugs me. I don't like this. I don't like it one bit.
So leave me to my wallowing and send me your most sympathetic thought.

I can still recall our last summer
I still see it all
Walks along the Seine, laughing in the rain
Our last summer
Memories that remain

We made our way along the river
And we sat down in the grass
By the Eiffel tower
I was so happy we had met
It was the age of no regret
Oh yes
Those crazy years, that was the time
Of the flower-power
But underneath we had a fear of flying
Of growing old, a fear of slowly dying
We took the chance
Like we were dancing our last dance ...

And now you're working in a bank
The family man, a football fan
And your name is Harry
How dull it seems
Are you the hero of my dreams?

The Break-Up : In Summary

as told by The Postal Service.

Boy - Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry
So just say how to make it right
And i swear I'll do my best to comply
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

Girl - I feel I must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
So please back away and let me go

Boy - I can't my darling i love you so...
Oh, oh
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

Girl - Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

Boy - I know that I have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again

Girl - You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye